Jealous of a Canadian
by Call Me Blue Streak
Summary: Jealousy: [jeh·luh·see] noun, plural: ous, ies. 1. Envious resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage. Or against anothers' success or advantage itself. Het pairings: KyleRebecca, StanWendy.
1. Home is Where the Heart is

_Jealousy_

_To Log:_

_This is gay._

_This is really gay._

_Even gayer than a pile of gay men having sex with each other._

_I mean come on? A journal! I'm not emotionally stressed! Why in the world of crazy fucked up shit would I have to keep a journal for?_

_Whatever, I guess I'll just give the psychologist what she wants. Angst. Good ol' teenage angst. Better get started._

_Do you have any idea what it's like to have people expecting so much from you? Having the weight of the world on your shoulders without wanting to? I know some of you do. And I know I do, too._

_Everybody always expects so much from me. A in every class when I get B's. Perfect attendance when me and my friends have to cut school to battle some freakish monster cafeteria food or a psychopathic moose. I know that eventually I'll let them all down. My mother is the worst of them._

_No matter what I do, it's never good enough._

_No matter how many good deeds I perform they're never pure enough._

_No matter how hard I work I can't earn her respect._

_She's always praising him. He's perfect, he never mis-behaves._

_It is for these reasons that I hate Ike. My half-brother. My mother's favourite._

_It's his fault I'm here now. Sitting in my room, in the dark, writing this all down. I have no desire to open the curtains and reveal my failure to the world, nor do I particularly want to go downstairs and face the argument that I know is coming._

"_I thought I raised you better than this." She'd say._

_And I'd respond with a "Apparently not, all you bothered to raise was the Canadian!"_

_Every week I found out I had done something wrong. Every verbal war we got into resulted in my banishment from her sight. Well I am now officially sick to death of it._

_As Popeye once said 'I am what I am.'_

…

_Or was 'I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more?'_

_Aw well, at any rate I've given up. If I can't have my mother's acceptance then Ike can have it for all I care. Cartman was right – she is a bitch._

_I'm gonna go confront her now._

_Once again: This is gay._

_Screw this._

_Kyle_

Fourteen year old Kyle Broflowski opened his bedroom door, wincing slightly at the harsh light that the hallway let in, and marched towards the stairs.

Upon reaching said stairs he gazed upon his younger Canadian half-brother Ike sitting about mid-way up listening intently to a conversation in the kitchen. Kyle walked towards him and Ike looked up at him when he heard his approach.

"What's going on?" Kyle asked while taking a seat next to the younger boy.

"Mom and Dad are fighting." Ike's head flapped as he spoke.

"What about?"

'_Not me not me not me.'_

"You,"

'_Damnit!'_

"You must have screwed up big-time to get that much screeching. What did you do?"

Kyle winced as he finally heard his mother's high pitched shouting coming from the kitchen. He could feel the vibrations of his mother's large form stomping around the house from his sitting position. He shifted slightly.

"It wasn't my fault! Cartman thought it would be funny to use Chef Turner's fake eyeball as a meatball in Craig's spaghetti. I got blamed because I got it _out of_ the food and he thought I was putting it _in._ I swear this town is so full of crap sometimes."

Kyle grimaced recalling the situation. He had tried telling his mom that but she thought he was pinning the blame on one of his friends to avoid trouble. That got him grounded for a week. The actual event got him detention for two weeks but it was telling his caring parents his theory on them caring more about Ike that got him sent to his room without dinner.

He sighed and stood up.

"Guess I'll go face the music. If I die, I want you to -" Kyle trailed off.

"Yes?" Ike responded, curiosity reflected in his beady eyes.

"Stay away from my room." He finished. Ike's hopeful smirk disappeared and he frowned at his big brother.

Seeing the look, Kyle rolled his eyes.

"But you can have my computer." He added after a pause.

Ike's eyes lit up once again and he launched himself at Kyle, gripping him in a hug. When he let go, Kyle sighed once more and continued down to the kitchen and his fate.

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Gerald Broflowski sat reading the newspaper while his wife ranted at him about the nerve of their son. Such behavior was a common occurrence at their household so he wasn't affected. Thank god for immunity. What he didn't expect, however, was Kyle inching his way into the room with a defiant glare fixed on his face.

Gerald was so surprised that he looked over the top of his paper and raised an eyebrow. Usually Kyle comes in apologetic and teary-eyed after an hour or so, what made him change his mind this time?

Sheila's rant was cut off the second he set foot in the room. Both mother and son seemed to be having a staring contest of wills, neither refusing to back down.

After several minutes of awkward silence, Gerald decided to leave the room for the inevitable squawk of rage that his wife would give off in 3…

2…

1…

"_**WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"**_

Yep, like clockwork. Re-entering the room to see Kyle rubbing his ear in pain from the sheer volume of the shriek, he set his paper down and began watching the scene with moderate interest.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm getting some food, I'm pretty hungry." Kyle answered calmly.

"I thought I sent you up to your room without dinner!" Came Sheila's reply.

"You did. I simply decided that I don't care."

In the stunned silence that followed, Kyle was able to walk over to the fridge and take out some cheese, walk over to the cupboard and remove some bread, fix himself a sandwich and begin eating before his mother stammered out a response.

"Y-You did what?"

"I said: I. Don't. Care." Kyle decided to spell it out as though she were a child.

"I won't be tricked into thinking you know what's best for me anymore."

He got up, put his now empty plate in the sink and walked up to his mother. He stared rebelliously into her eyes.

"What are you gonna do about it?"

Gerald sighed, knowing his son had just sparked off another tirade.

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The black storm clouds overhead cast a foreboding feeling of dread over the people of South Park. It was these clouds that watched over a certain red-headed teenager, ginger curls covered by his green hat, walking down the one and only street the town had, grumbling to himself while hoisting his duffel bag higher up onto his shoulder.

To the outside observer, Kyle walked aimlessly. To his best friend, Stan Marsh, he would be walking with purpose. But to Kyle himself he had no purpose, he knew where he was going, he knew how to get there and he knew what he wanted, but he didn't have a purpose anymore.

All his life, he'd lived in fear of what his mother would do to him if he ever disobeyed her. Now that he knew, though, he could honestly say he's expected worse. Not physical abuse, mind you, but removal of every object in his life of sentimental value, restriction from seeing his girlfriend Rebecca, grounding for life and an eternity of studying were just a few of the things he was anticipating.

Did she truly believe this would stop him? He was happy. He would have done a dance on the street if he thought he could without getting soaked by the approaching rain. Speaking of Rebecca, that was his new destination. He would have tried Stan's house first but he was out of town for the week at a family reunion or something. It sucked without him here.

A flash of lightning brought Kyle out of his thoughts.

He blinked.

It seems he had walked straight past his girlfriends' house. He spun around and retraced his steps for a full two minutes before arriving at his destination. He hopped up onto the porch of Rebecca's house and rang the doorbell, noticing with dread that her parents hadn't yet taken off the prison bars from their windows. The door creaked open and Kyle stood up a little straighter only to stare into the eyes of the love of his short life.

He smiled.

And realized that it was all worth while.


	2. Family Ties

My God she's beautiful.

How did I ever end up with someone so amazing? How!

I know I'm staring at her like a moron but at the moment I don't care. I'm going to enjoy the view until she either says something or slams the door in my face.

She's just got out of the shower. She's wearing a towel very… _very_ loosely around her chest and water is dripping slowly off her auburn hair and glittering in the streetlights as they fall. She smiles and I can see her perfect teeth shine at me from her brace-less mouth.

Man, I want to kiss her so badly right now. But I'm brought out of my musing when she moves her delicate hand up to push my mouth closed…

Whoops, heh, guess I was drooling at the sight of her. She giggles slightly and I shiver at the sound. She sounds like a Goddess… She looks like a Goddess… She _is _a Goddess.

Suddenly realizing that I am standing on her porch in the pouring rain while she is in a towel makes me shake my head of the triple-x rated fantasy I was having and focus my attention back onto her. I notice she looks at me expectantly.

I clear my throat.

"Err… Becca? You know I love you right?" Damn, I stuttered. She probably thinks I'm a dork right now.

She seems surprised but answers anyway.

"Yes, Kyle. I know, and you should know that I love you too. But why in the world are you at my door in the middle of a storm?" She replies with that beautiful voice of hers.

Better get straight to the point. I'm sure the cold air I'm exposing her to isn't helping while she's dripping wet like that.

"My parents kicked me out of the house. Can I stay here for a while? Please?"

She seems even more surprised at this. She actually gasps at the revelation.

"Of course. Oh my God, of course! Come in! I'll go and tell my parents!"

She opens the door wider for me to enter. I do so and she turns around and runs into the kitchen. If it's even possible, the back of her is just as pants-tighteningly gorgeous as the front. I smile to myself and follow slowly.

When I arrive, I spot Mr. and Mrs. Cutswald sitting at the table and sipping some coffee. Or at least, they _were_ sipping coffee. Rebecca must have spilled the beans. Now it seems as though they heard their daughter was suddenly pregnant. At least I'll know what to expect if and when it comes to that.

Mrs. Cutswald speaks first.

"Well… Kyle…" She starts. I expect this would be sudden for her and so I wait patiently for her to continue. After a moment or two her husband carries on.

"Look, Kyle. As much as we hate the fact that your parents kicked you out… I'm afraid there just isn't a place for you here."

My heart sunk in my chest. I can't believe him! I'm homeless, he knows me, I'm dating his daughter and the one thing I ask him for in all that time he refuses!

Mrs. Cutswald apparently shares my thoughts as she is staring at him as though he grew a second head, three extra arms, a tail and began eating the table. Hey, when you live in South Park, weird metaphors have to be _really_ weird.

"Dad! How could you! I'm in love with him!" Ah, sweet Rebecca. Always coming to my aid.

"Exactly," Mr. Cutswald replies, "I'm afraid I can't trust young Kyle here to leave you alone. Say, in the middle of the night perhaps…"

So _that's _the reason. I figure it would be best if I stayed out of this argument.

"For God's sake dad! I'm fourteen! You _know _Kyle and I wouldn't do anything like that!"

I would love to add something perverted in my head but now isn't the time.

"No, I don't know Rebecca, and that is precisely the problem! If I can't trust you two then he can't stay. That's final!"

Crud, there goes the slim shining ray of hope for a place to crash… Oh well, I suppose I could stay with Kenny. I'd choose living in poverty than sharing with the fatass anyday.

"No. It's not final, Dad! If Kyle can't stay here then I'm leaving!" With that outburst she turns and runs upstairs to gather her things.

I had no idea she loved me that much. I mean yeah, I'd do the same for her but to defy her parents like that… That takes guts. I should know. Before either of her parents could shout a 'Come back here, young lady!' I was up the stairs and in her room. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, she was already changed into some other clothes. She had a suitcase open on her bed and was throwing everything she owned into it at high speed. I could see the tears glistening on her cheeks as she worked. I gabbed her arm.

"Get off me dad! I-" She then looked up, saw who I was and collapsed into my chest, crying like there was no tomorrow. I rocked her back and forth, soothing her until she calmed down. It was then that I realized that I couldn't ask her to leave her family for me. I wasn't selfish like that. I gently lifted her face up so I could look into her hazel eyes.

"Becca, I can't let you do this."

"But Kyle I-" I shushed her by pressing a finger to her lips. She kisses it gently and I remove it.

"I can't let you throw this life away for me. I love you too much to let that happen. I guess I'll go and crash with Kenny."

She smiles slightly as she realizes there is another place I could go.

"But… Kenny's so poor." She squeaks. I chuckle slightly.

"Yes, yes he is. But what other choice do I have? Cartman? No way!" That got her to laugh a little. "You see? I have other options. But this is _my _path. I can't drag you into it."

I would have said more but she captured my mouth in a heated kiss. Try talking when your mouth is full of tongue and see how you feel. We kissed for what seems like hours when there was a knock on her door. We reluctantly broke apart and she smiled before answering it. I took a moment to savour the taste of grapes the kiss left me with and sat up on the bed.

You ever wonder how things can go from bad to better to worse to great to horrible?

I found that out when I looked up.

Straight into the piercing gaze of Mark Cutswald.


	3. Game On

**AN: Okay, first off, let me say 'WOW! Look at all those reviews!'**

…

**So I shall: WOW! Look at all those reviews! You guys have been just great!**

**Secondly, I would like to apologise for the majorly late update. I have been in Spain for the past two weeks and so will update three times in the next three days! Hooray for you!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned South Park, do you honestly think I would be posting stories on this site instead of turning them into episodes?**

…

**I thought not.**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

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Of course, I didn't realize it was Mark Cutswald straight away. I had to make a total jackass out of myself because, being in the post make-out state that I am, I thought my angel of loveliness was standing in front of me. So then I went and blurted out a 'Who was at the door, baby?' to which Mark responded by punching me in the face.

That knocked the euphoria – and the wind – right out of me.

And then, to make things worse, I realized that I had made a complete jackass out of myself and was appropriately mortified.

"Okay, _Kyle,_" Mark spat my name out as though it were a curse word, and boy had I almost had enough of curse words. "I'm going to give you one chance to explain why you showed up in _my_ house, on _my _birthday and demanded shelter!"

Ohh, so it was his birthday… Guess that makes me a party crasher… Wait, why am I thinking of that at a time like this? Stupid instinct!

"Mark, listen to me," I started inching toward the headboard to put some elbow room between us, "I didn't mean to ruin your special day, congratulations! By the way!" Heh, I'm a poet and I don't know it. "But my parents, well… My mom, kicked me out of the house! My best friend is out, my other friends is poor white trash and there is no WAY I'm staying with fatass at a time like this. Your house was the only place I could go! Y-You understand don't you?"

It appeared by the way he was advancing on me that he didn't understand. I really didn't want to fight my brother-in-law-to-be but if he kept up the angry glare he would leave me no choice.

When he was about three inches away he suddenly grabbed me in a headlock and gave me a friendly noogie. Son of a bitch! He had me worried!

"Dude, I'm just screwing with you! It's not my birthday!" He replied through his face full of laughter that I wanted so badly to punch right now.

From the positioning of my head I could see my flower of rapture holding back giggles. Badly. So she was in on it too. Mark finally released my head and I sat up straight, gasping for air. I was sure my face had turned blue by that point.

Rebecca seemed to take pity on me and wrapped me in a hug. Just her contact alone was what made this entire endeavor worth while. If running away from home meant that I got to spend more time with the object of my unsurpassed love then I don't see any problems, do you?

It was when she pulled away that I realized something was wrong. I stopped my internal monologue for a moment and listened.

For a second there was nothing.

Then came the footfalls of two fully grown, and possibly overweight people marching up the stairs.

The door creaked open and I saw, Not Mr. and Mrs. Cutswald, but my parents and the Canadian, I guess his steps were too tiny to hear. Feh, anorexic foreigner.

"Boobie, it's time for you to come home, you've kept this up long enough."

Give you three guesses who said it by the first word.

When I didn't answer, the she-mammoth continued. "Just apologise to me and your brother and we promise that we'll only ground you for a month."

"Sheila…" My dad warned.

"Oh, fine! A month and a half. Anyway, you're coming with me, mister."

She reached out to grab my arm and I rolled off the bed towards the window which, conveniently, had been left open. By this point I had no idea what I was doing, it appears I left my common sense back at the house I used to call home. Oh well, too late now.

"I'm not going back with you! And there is no _way_ I'm apologizing for being punished for something that wasn't even my _fault!_" I screamed at them now. Even Rebecca seemed surprised by this, and she knows me _better_ than Stan.

"What, _what **WHAT!**_" Aw, I loved it when she screeches like that, it reminds me of a fruit bat. With that incessantly loud ringing in my ears I blew my love a kiss and leaped out of the window…

…Which I had forgotten was on the first floor. I'm not sure if I screamed but when I landed it hurt like hell. Note to self, falling fun, landing hurts. Filing that handy piece of information away I brushed myself off and started to run.

I'm not sure how long I ran for, but when I stopped my legs were aching and I found myself in the middle of a dense forest. I thought about unraveling my sleeping bag to lay down on and reached for my bag. Then I realized that I had set it down in my budding plant of beauty's room when I went in.

I then shouted out a 'GOD-DAMNIT!' that Cartman himself would have been proud of.

Deciding that turning around would waste time, effort and dignity. I began to assess the situation logically.

Okay, so:1. I'm homeless now.

2. My parents are out for blood.

3. I have no supplies.

4. If I go to Kenny's they'll find me and drag me back to the house.

So, logically, the first thing I should do is find shelter. In this snowy wasteland, if you didn't have a roof over your head, you might as well hang a sign around your neck saying, in block capitals 'COME AND GET ME GRIM REAPER!' And I am _not_ giving that little Canadian turd my room!

I looked around my surroundings and found a pair of trees collapsed in on one another, they formed a sort of arch-shape that I could squeeze into. I immediately did so and tried to fall asleep, the days events catching up with me. The last thought I had before darkness overtook my vision was…

…_Wonder where that gay journal is?_

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**R & R please! Muchos gracias senor y senoritas! Stay tuned for chapter 4!**


	4. The Bush and the Booze

_To log:_

_What a day! After I rebelled at my mom, pissed off my girlfriend's parents, got punched in the face, jumped out of a first story window and snuck into my girlfriends house to get this book back (among other things), I ran back to the forest where I found some shelter and crawled into a ball that only unfurled when a cute little squirrel tried to nibble at my leg._

_I know I'm being vague about the details, but when (and if) I ever give this thing back to the psychologist, I don't want her to put me into a mental institution! Yeah, you'll never put me away! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!_

…

_Okay that was a bit much but whatever._

_This is still gay._

_Kyle_

Okay, so there I was. Up against the biggest squirrel you had ever seen. I had awoken with the great beast attempting to chew my leg off! I kicked it out of the way but it came back for more, so I readied myself in my special 'Fighter's Stance' I had learned in karate lessons and eyed my opponent warily. As the squirrel leapt into the air towards me I shot my hand forward and

…

…Got it covered in squirrel brains. Holy cow! Did I really punch that hard? What's this ringing in my ears?

I heard another rustle in some nearby bushes and approached carefully when out popped Stan's uncle Jimbo and his war-buddy Ned. Guess I missed their cry of 'It's coming right for us' while I was watching my recent foe.

"Well Ned I don't think that cute little squirrel will attack anyone else ever again. Good shot!" Jimbo congratulated his partner and blew the smoke from his own rifle.

"Mmm I got 'im good." Ned replied through his voice amplification microphone.

I cleared my throat and they finally seemed to notice me. I unconsciously wiped my blood-soaked hand onto my jacket to rid myself of the oozing sensation. I wonder if brain will come off in the wash?

"Well I'll be! Kyle! What are you doing out here? We almost shot you, son!"

Think fast, Kyle.

"Err… My parents are out of town and I was… On my way to Kenny's house when that squirrel attacked me!"

Smooth.

"Kenny? Isn't he that poor kid in the orange parka you always hang around with?" Jimbo replied.

"Yeah, that's him." Best not to get my parents involved in this.

"Mmm but he's so poor." Ned interjected with his toneless voice.

"Hot diggidy! You're right, Ned. We can't let Kyle here stay in a trailer!" My thoughts exactly. "You're welcome to come and live with us, kiddo until your parents come back. Where's your brother anyhow?"

"He went with them because they… Went to find his real parents!" Please not let Jimbo and Ned hear about our Christmas in Canada escapade.

"Works for me! Come on Ned, let's saddle up and move out!"

Phew.

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An hour later found me in Jimbo and Ned's house right next door to their studio where they film their TV show. I always wanted to be on TV, but I gotta keep a low profile. If my parents catch me now they'll ban me from seeing Rebecca forever.

Tch, they'll say she's a bad influence on me. Whatever, _I'm_ a bad influence on _her_! Cool.

I admired the massive gun collection they had on their wall and went into the kitchen where they were drinking beers. They glanced at me, then at each other, then back at me.

"Help yourself to a beer, son! It'll help you grow chest hair!" Right. Because that's really what I wanted right now. Whatever, be rude to refuse my host's offer right? I always wondered what this stuff tasted like. I grabbed one from out of the fridge and looked around for a bottle opener.

"Excuse me? Do you have a-" I started, but Jimbo interrupted.

"Pocket knife? Sure!" He proceeded to pull a swiss army knife out of his jacket pocket and hand it to me. I took it and opened the bottle of Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps I had pilfered. I took one swig and spat it oout all over the table.

"Aw, dude! This stuff is awful!" Jimbo looked surprised.

"How. Dare you! Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps is the best drink to ever come to this whitebread mountain town! Now drink it!" He roared.

I sighed. Wonder what Kenny is doing right now…

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Kenny continued to dance, in his underwear, to a CD of Busted while using a crappy hairbrush with only two hairs left as a microphone.

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Meh, I'm sure it's something perverted. I gulped down the rest of the bitter drink and found myself with an increasing urge to throw up. I started to feel light-headed, kina like that time I tried acid. Those San Francisco kids were so high.

When did Ned get an elephant's trunk?

Holy crap! Rebecca's here and she's taking off all her clothes off!

The world spins. Heh, spin world spin!

It's dark now. HI DARKNESS!

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…

…

Ow, my head.

I hate Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps


	5. The Gift

**A.N.: I decided to re-write chapter 5. To my mind it seemed rushed and had a certain lack of detail. So here it is. The new and IMPROVED chapter 5!**

**Enjoy.**

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After the disastrous first night of Kyle's stay at their house, things settled down once again for Jimbo and Ned. Kyle became like a family member to them by helping around the house and polishing their guns so they shined like the flagpole after they cleaned Kenny McCormick's innards off of it.

Although the two game hunters spent a great deal of their time indoors, only rarely did they watch television. If they had done, they would have seen the breaking news bulletins about Kyle being missing for days now. Instead, they frittered away their hours thinking of new scripts for their show and mounting their kills on their walls.

The little Broflowski boy didn't find being surrounded by the corpses of innocent yet 'dangerous' little critters un-nerving. No, better yet he thinks they got what they deserved. It seems to me that Cartman's Christmas tale did more than just anger Kyle. It made him scared of tiny creatures, maybe that was why the meat sales in South Park suddenly rose. Kyle made his views clear to Jimbo and Ned on many an occasion over the dinner table.

But despite Ned's pleas, Kyle simply would _not _appear on television to share those interesting facts. The fear that his parents might catch him and drag him home to the three hour-long lecture and subsequent grounding was none too appealing for him. Yet the growing paranoia of Jimbo getting too close to the truth with his constant questions left Kyle uneasy. True, he often left the house to sneak to Stark's Pond in the middle of the night to see his beloved but he couldn't help but wonder if Jimbo knew more than he was letting on.

So, when it came time to leave, Kyle decided to repay the two roommates for their silence and hospitality. He snuck out to the newly refurbished Jim's Drugs store on Main Street.

And that is where the real chapter of this story begins.

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Damnit! Lousy guilty conscience! Can't believe I'm sneaking around when the WHOLE town is looking for me to get a gift for two people's shelter. I could have stayed in their bomb shelter but noooooooo.

During this monologue, Kyle was ducking and diving in between fences, hedges and the occasional car to reach the super store without being noticed. To increase his stealth, he donned a black suit reminiscent of Dan Fly-Fisher from the Wood Chipping Nucleus games.

Having ditched his trademark green hat in favour of a black beanie that barely concealed his 'jew-fro', Kyle perfectly blended in as a Goth and, as such, avoided the people who were looking for a happy, outgoing young man.

Spying the shop at the end of the street, Kyle increased his pace and dodged around a Chihuahua to hide next to a dripping fire hydrant. Kyle realized with dread that he had accidentally sat down in said dripping water and stood up from shock.

My pants'll be soaked all day now! Crap.

Contemplating making a mad dash for the drug store, Kyle was about to rush off when he felt a slight tremor beneath his feet and heard a dropping noise. Kyle's head followed his eyes as he looked towards the puddle.

Another tremble.

Another fluctuation in the water's surface.

Kyle had seen enough movies to know that when something that cartoon-like happened, it meant something heavy was taking steps towards you. And there was only one thing in South Park that heavy with the capability to walk.

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Eric Cartman's day had started off like any other. He got out of his Snacky Cakes bear bed, walked into the bathroom singing a tune lightly from his pudgy mouth. After brushing his teeth and donning his signature outfit, he made his way downstairs to get some breakfast.

Only to find a yellow sticky note attached to the door of the fridge. Curious, Cartman pulled the note down, with the help of a chair, and began to read.

_Poopsie-kins,_

_Mommy has had to go out with some friends this morning._

_Be a dear and pop out to the market to buy some fresh vegetables and healthy fruits, won't you?_

_Money's on the counter._

_Love,_

_Mommy_

Cartman, knowing that his mother was a whore, after all, she had been on the cover of every issue of Crack-Whore magazine since he was three, grumbled to himself.

How dare she go out to screw some poor dudes when her only reason for still being alive is in the kitchen starving?

Okay, so he wasn't her only reason for still being alive, but the way Cartman saw it is that if he hadn't restrained himself from killing her a few years ago, she would be dead. So, to show gratitude for his mercy, Liane's only reason for existing was to serve her master… I mean son.

He swiped the money from the counter and stuffed it into his pocket. He _could_ go to the 'Elderly Driver Mow-Down Memorial Market' for fruit and veg. Or, alternatively, he could go to the local Jim's Drug store to buy a truckload of candy and sweets for low, low prices.

Decisions, decisions.

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Right now found our morbidly obese hero waddling down Main Street with a packet of Super Size, Extra Cheesy Cheesy Poofs in his hand, two more bags in his pocket, five candy bars, a tub of ice cream and two packets of Snacky Cakes in a backpack that he had specially brought to carry more junk food.

As he wobbled down the street he spied an odd sight. A black beanie lay floating in a puddle next to a fire hydrant along with a few strands of ginger curls that he would recognize anywhere. Being the fat sack of lard that he is, Cartman was never one to ignore things that may fit in with his evil schemes later, and Kyle's hair style just so happened to be one of those things.

Narrowing his eyes, he grabbed the garment from the water and held it above his head triumphantly. Not noticing the dripping on his head, he called out into the empty street.

"Kyle? Oh, KYLE! I have something that may BELONG to you!"

Having passed a TV store on his way over here, Cartman had heard about the $2000 reward for Kyle being brought back. Naturally, Cartman was disappointed that it wasn't dead or alive but he could do with the extra cash anyway, think of all the toys he could buy.

He snickered and watched as what appeared to be a shadow ducked into a nearby alley and disappeared.

------------------------------------------

Kyle was so careless in his haste to escape the approaching mound of lard that he didn't notice his beanie fly off his head as he retreated to the nearest alley. He heard Cartman's shouts and decided that being seen by Cartman was one of the worst things that could possibly happen to him.

If Cartman won that reward money, Kyle would never hear the end of it. So, beanie or no beanie, Kyle ran off. He ran down a back street until he emerged at the entrance to Jim's Drugs store. He ducked inside, all the while trying desperately to get his hair into a less recognizable style and headed for the mirrors section.

No point being spotted at the counter for your hair, he reasoned. He almost crashed into several people because the sunglasses he had worn were so dark that he could hardly see anything out of them, but he had to hide his emerald green eyes behind something, in case he encountered somebody like Cartman.

Upon emerging at the mirrors section, he doubled back and cursed mentally as he saw Wendy Testaburger standing there with Bebe, talking about, of all things, Rebecca Cutswald. He couldn't very well march up to them and demand they stop talking about his girlfriend, no matter how much he wanted to. SO he stopped and listened to their opinions.

--------------------------------------------

**A.N. : Okay, a crappy place to end it but whatever. In the next chapter I introduce Stan and the triumphant return of Kenny!**

**Stay tuned**

**OBEY THE FIST!**

**- Blue Streak**


	6. Showdowns

So, there I sat.

Listening to a girls' conversation about my girlfriend while pretending to go through the exceedingly manly CDs from the 1970's. Hope nobody looks this way.

Through a crack in the shelving I could see none other than Stan's girlfriend Wendy and her best friend Bebe. Doing their hair in the mirrors, why don't they just go to a bathroom or something?

Granted, I was about to do the same thing but…

I'll tell you what I heard now.

"What an ugly cow!" Yup, that was Bebe. Can't see what she has against Rebecca.

"I dunno, Bebe. I think she looks pretty good, she has to have lost weight." And there's Wendy's voice. I can't be sure, but I think it got less nasally throughout last summer.

"Tch, probably starving herself or throwing up every hour. Honestly, I can't see what Kyle sees in her!" Wait, what?

"Because you _really_ had dibs on him when we were eight, didn't you? You just walked off with Clyde."

Wha-?

"Wendy, Clyde's an asshole. I should've never broke up with Kyle in the first place… I have to get him back."

Maybe I should leave…

"What? How? He's in a relationship now, Bebe!"

…But my legs aren't working…

"I know that. But he's with a total slut! Did you see the way she acted at that dance? She made out with practically every boy there!"

…Gotta warn 'Becca.

"I think she would have matured a little by now-"

"But that's the thing," Bebe interjected, "she's only matured in _one_ way. The only way guys care about. But I've matured more. Time to flaunt it!"

"It's not gonna work. And are you sure that's ethical?"

Good ol' Wendy, always the voice of reason.

"It restores the natural order of things. Kyle was mine first and I'm simply taking him back from the person who stole him from me. Now are you with me or against her?"

"Bebe, I… Wait a minute, what's that smell?"

Bebe sniffs the air and wrinkles her nose in disgust.

"Aw, gross! Smells like dog doodie!"

Sniffing around myself, I realize it's coming from me! Damn that Chihuahua! He must have left a little 'present' in that water I sat in. Oh no, they're looking straight at me! My hair! Bebe'll recognize me for sure!

Gotta hide! Gotta run! Grabbing the first item that gets into my field of vision – a life-sized model of the Southern Staring Frog of Southern Shri Lanka – I ran to the checkout.

The counter worker, some blond dude who looks oddly familiar, ran it through the till.

"That'll be GAH! $5"

Wait a minute, I recognize that GAH! Oh no, oh crap. Nonetheless, I paid Tweek and hoped against hope he didn't recognize me. He packed up the item into a brown paper bag just as Wendy and Bebe came around the corner of aisle 4.

"Thank you for shopping Jim's Drugs, please come again soon." But I was already gone. The automatic doors slid shut behind me too late for I heard the telltale voice of Bebe screeching my name.

--------------------------------------------

And then things exploded in my face.

For there, on the other side of the street, stood my nemesis. The manipulative, fat, egotistical, conniving, sneaky, fat load of evil that was Cartman watched me with a strong gaze and a smirk on his face.

He began his waddle towards me, all three of his chins wobbling as he did so. At that very moment, Wendy and Bebe emerged from the store behind me. I was surrounded.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Jew, the ho and the hippie." Cartman sneered.

God, I want to punch him so badly right now. And then I'd punch him again. Wendy and Bebe's faces lit up with shock and realization. So, Cartman just gave away my identity. Fine, gonna have to get away as fast as possible.

Looking around I, for the second time in as many minutes, grabbed the closest thing to me…

…The Chihuahua! You gotta be shittin' me! Oh, well.

"Back off! I have a dog and I'm not afraid to use it!"

To my surprise and fortune, Cartman actually stopped. I waved the pooch around behind me and the girls took a hesitant step backwards. Probably didn't want to get dog drool or, ahem, other liquids on their slutty clothes.

Considering my options, the best course of action is to run straight past fatass. Cartman I could evade easily, but Wendy was on the track team. If she had the intention of getting the reward money, I'd be dead meat. Only one thing to do. I'm gonna have to keep the dog.

By the surprised look on Cartman's face, I guess he wasn't expecting me to bolt. But he gave chase – a pitiful chase – after a few seconds. Wendy didn't move but Bebe charged towards Cartman and literally ran him over in her attempt to get to me. And she was gaining.

Hey, it's hard keeping a shopping bag, with a fragile ornament inside, and a dog in both arms. See how fast you'd run.

When Bebe was within an arms reach I stopped, turned and held the dog out to her. She skidded to a stop an inch from crashing into the creature and it licked her face. She cringed, screamed and then wiped her face with both hands.

When she got her vision back, she looked around again, but I was already gone.

From my position behind a mailbox, I watched as she huffed and walked solemnly back to her BFF, still covered in dog slobber. I sighed in relief and dashed down a back street trying to get back to Jimbo and Neds'.

---------------------------------------

The door to the house slammed open as I practically kicked it down. I swung it closed with a resounding smack and leaned against it huffing and puffing. The little dog, that I had named Cujo, barked happily in my arms.

He saved me from the girly clutches of… well, a girl! I couldn't just leave him on the streets. Having regained my breath for the time being I walked into the kitchen and sat in the chairs by the dinner table.

Setting both my prizes on the table I wrote out a note to Jimbo and Ned, who were out filming their newest escapade with rogue animals.

I set the frog on the table and grabbed Cujo. I don't trust Jimbo and Ned with a pet, would you? So I had to take him with me. I made a brief stop at their bomb shelter to pack some supplies in the paper bag and made a crude leash out of the emergency rope stored in there as well.

That done, I climbed out of the shelter, looped the makeshift leash (that looked more like a noose) around Cujo's neck and we set off again. Then I realized with dread that I had no destination… Again!

I checked my Terrance and Phillip watch to discover that Stan's train was due in about 10 minutes from now so I made my way to South Park train station.

The council of South Park had decided that the town could make more money from travelers coming down here, so decided to reopen the abandoned railroad tracks separating the not-too-rich from the downright-poor, like Kenny's family.

Yet another reason not to stay at Kenny's.

On my way there, I noticed Kenny playing with an old yo-yo in his front yard.

And things just got slightly better.


	7. Another View

A.N./ Sorry about the late update. I honestly forgot about this story. I know, I know 'How could you!' and such. And I have no excuse, but at least I'm only a day late and not a month or even a year! That happened once. Anyways, here it is! Chapter 7!

**Enjoy!**

**----------------------------------**

Sheila Broflowski was never an evil woman. In fact, she considered herself to be quite good. Always fighting for the good of the world and making it a better place for her children to grow up in became her life's mission.

Her boys, however, seemed to be free of all blame when it came to matters like foul language. This resulted in the American/Canadian war and the resurrection of Satan and Saddam Hussein and so she tried to blame her kids more for these things.

But despite this, she couldn't help to blame Rebecca Cutswald for her _influence_ on her 'young, impressionable little boobie-kins'.

"This is _your_ fault! You little hussie!" She screamed at her the second Kyle jumped out of that first floor window. So blinded by rage was she that she didn't notice her husband and adopted son inching towards the exit so as to escape more wrath.

"Me? What have I done?" Rebecca, obviously not expecting blame to fall on her, couldn't come up with a fast enough rebuttal.

"My little Kyle never mis-behaved before he started dating _you_! I knew I should have stopped this relationship. My boy is banned from ever seeing you again!"

Rebecca's mouth fell open at the demand, then her surprise turned into furious anger.

"How. _Dare_ you!" She replied, "You have no authority over him! If you did, he wouldn't have run away in the first place now, would he?"

Sheila hasn't had many little children scream at her, Ike was always squashed under her little finger when he mis-behaved. But to have a teenager scream at her was even worse. Their extra burst in anger and hormones meant they could hold a grudge for much, much longer.

So she handles it the only way she could.

"What, what, WHAT?"

"You know what I think?" the now eerily calm Rebecca continued, "I think that you're not used to rebellion. Every time someone's tried you've crushed them with screams and groundings. And when someone gets away with it, you have to blame someone, anyone but yourself for everything.

"You don't think he ran away from you _because_ you tried to rule his life, and not because you failed at controlling him 24/7?"

Sheila had began stuttering by this point, so consumed by anger and hatred that she couldn't form a coherent sentence.

"You can't tell him what to do. And you can't tell me what to do either!"

With that said, Rebecca Cutswald stormed out of her room, down the stairs where she put on a coat and then slammed the door on her way out.

The scream that the plump Broflowski woman erupted was the last thing she heard before breaking out into a run for Stark's Pond.

-------------------------------------

Kenny McCormick had had a pretty good morning.

Whilist eating his toasted frozen waffle he had discussed with his mother, alcoholic father and near silent brother why Kyle hadn't shown up for school for the last week. By the time the conversation had finished, it had evolved into a debate about his fathers' work habits and their style of living at the moment.

Personally, Kenny thought they were arguing, not debating.

On his way to the general store to buy more frozen waffles he just so happened to look down and find a crisp, ten dollar bill lying in the snow. Checking his pockets, he found the five dollars his dad had given him for waffles and realized he now had enough money to buy something for himself.

With a grin on his face, he marched triumphantly to the store and picked up the family's grocery shopping for the next week (one packet of frozen waffles) and made his way to the toy store.

He was almost thrown out of the store for shoplifting when the owner saw him. The orange parka that had brought him through his childhood wasn't very trustworthy if it hid your face. So Kenny flashed the newly found bill at the shopkeeper and he allowed Kenny purchase of a brand new parka ($4) and a red yo-yo ($5).

Kenny had just enough money left to buy himself a small portion of City Chicken from City Wok and munched on it happily down the street where he was almost hit by a plane, a bus, a Ferrari, a truck, another car and, surprisingly, a boat. Causing the biggest pile-up in South Park history didn't faze the boy though.

For he was still alive.

Arriving home safely, he hid the yo-yo in his parka, deposited the waffles in the mini-fridge and sat on the porch playing with it.

It was then that he spotted Kyle Broflowski.

…

And a Chihuahua.

----------------------------------

Stan Marsh's trip home had been boring.

But, being accustomed to boredom after what seemed a lifetime with his extended family, (playing hide and seek with Shelly while she was pissed off was the only thing he could think of doing) he almost shouted in joy when the train finally pulled into the station. But he restrained himself.

'_Wendy now, yelling later.'_ He mused.

Jumping off the train, luggage and backpack in hand, he looked around for his girlfriend to show up. The crowd of people exiting made it hard to pick out any one person.

'_Guess it's tourist season'._

He figured if he waited around he would see her when the crowds thinned, but his parents saw Sheila, Gerald and about half of South Park's well-known residents looking for something. Or someone.

Waving, his parents dragged poor Stan over to them and began to make small talk. Stan vigilantly kept alert for any sign of Wendy, but to no avail. So he settled for 'accidentally' overhearing the adults' conversation.

"When did this happen?" he could her his mom say.

"About a week ago now, he's been missing since Tuesday evening." Was Geralds' reply.

Wondering who they were talking about, Stan made his way closer to hear more.

"I told his girlfriend she couldn't see him anymore, that ought to put a stop to this unacceptable behavior he's been showing recently."

That was Sheila.

"You know that's not going to do any good, Sheila. Kyle's resourceful, he'll find a way to sneak around with her."

But whatever Gerald had said after the word 'Kyle' was lost on Stan as he felt his body go numb.

_Kyle's missing? And I wasn't here to do anything about it! God fucking damn it!_

He kicked the wall of the train terminal and howled in pain as his foot almost broke. Excusing himself to the bathrooms, he tended to his wounded foot and, as he was leaving, heard a faint whisper from the roof.

'_Psst.'_

------------------------------------

I know, I know. No Kyle, and I'm sorry! I just had to get through what was running through the other characters' minds. My muse, if it exists, just wouldn't let me write Kyle in. But don't worry! He'll return next chapter.

**Now for references (in case you haven't spotted them yet!):**

**Dan Fly-Fisher from the Wood Chipping Nucleus games is a reference to Sam Fisher, hero of the Splinter Cell video games.**

Elderly Driver Mow-Down Memorial Market is a reference to the episode 'Grey Dawn' when the elderly ran over numerous people at the market near the beginning of the epidsode.

**Jim's Drugs store is from 'Something Wal-Mart this Way Comes'. At the end, they go to a small shop which grows into one reminiscent of Wal-Mart itself and the townsfolk end up setting it on fire, I figure he should have saved up enough dough to buy another one so he rebuilt the store into a mega-mart and it stayed that way.**

**Jagerminz S'more Flavored Schnapps is from the episode 'The Red Badge of Gayness'. **

**If you haven't seen any of these episodes then I think you can work it out anyway.**

**One more thing, Glacierclaws review for chapter 5 makes no sense because I re-did chapter 5, so just ignore the genie part of it.**

**One _more_ thing, could some of you lurkers come out of your shells and review! I'm getting kind of low on motivation over here! Thanks!**

**Thank to all my reviewers!**

**OBEY THE FIST!**

**- Blue Streak**


	8. A Hero's Downfall

'_Psst, Stan? Stan! Up here!_

Kyle whispered from the roof of the terminal. After asking Kenny to help him hide out, Kenny refusing and then bribing him with as much porn as he could ever want (This is Kenny. That's a LOT of porn.) Kyle spotted his parents and searched for somewhere to hide out.

Spying an old drainpipe, Kyle quickly scaled the wall and was now crouching down just above the mens' room, careful to keep his weight balanced. Don't want to fall, break his leg and have his parents ground him from a hospital room after all he's been through.

When Stan looked up, Kyle couldn't help but smile. He'd missed his best friend. Sure, Kenny was pretty good company and he tried to avoid Cartman as much as possible now. But it just wasn't the same without Stan. He was the leader, the hippie with a heart of gold…

…And usually the one to break up Cartman's arguments shortly after they began.

"I can't talk here, say you're feeling travel sick and wanna go home," Kyle whispered, "I'll be waiting over the fence of your back yard. Meet me there in ten minutes."

After seeing Stan nod his head slightly, or would a better word be covertly? Kyle leaped off the roof and slid down the pipe he climbed up. Kenny was waiting for him, sans hood.

"What he say?" came Kenny's greeting.

"He'll meet us there. Thanks again for doing this, dude. Really appreciate it…" He trailed off when he noticed Kenny get that perverted gleam in his eye. The gleam he usually got before he says something truly inappropriate.

"And you can show your appreciation by giving all of the hottest, wettest, steamiest porn you can get. Oh! And a date with one of the Raisins girls. Merecedes sure has a hot rack!" Kenny's point was reinforced with the howling noise he let out afterwards.

"What? That wasn't part of the deal!" Kyle replied angrily.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Should I deliver you to the police and get the $2000 reward? Or maybe I could deliver you to your parents for free. Either way, I get porn so I'm happy."

Kyle shook his head at his friends' antics.

"Fine, pervert. Geez, Kenny you've been hanging around Cartman too long, he's starting to rub off on you."

That said, the boys began their sneaking journey towards Stan's house.

-

Ducking between tree, mailbox, streetlight, hedge, fence and any other object one would expect to find on a sidewalk, Kyle and Kenny eventually arrived at the Marsh residence. The sun was dipping over the horizon and time was running out before they had to talk to Stan.

Looking both ways to check for pedestrians, Kyle sped across a roadway to emerge at the edge of a dense bush. With thorns.

"OW! Damn thorns! Prick ME will ye!" Before Kyle could exact his revenge on the skin-pricking bush, Kenny slapped a hand over his mouth. Kyle muffled for a few seconds and thought of how it used to be Kenny people could hardly understand when Kenny made the universal finger-symbol for 'quiet'.

Kyle nodded and immediately shut his trap. Looking through a hole, and stabbing their hands on thorns, the two could see Stan and his parents come out of their dated car and enter the house. Kenny removed his hand and Kyle checked to see if the coast was clear.

Seeing that it was, they bolted across the street and his underneath the Marsh's living room window. Kyle motioned to the poor kid to follow him as he led his companion over the house's fence and into the neighbours' yard.

A few minutes later came the unmistakable sound of a glass door opening and a young man stepping out onto the porch. Taking a seat up in the clubhouse, Stan waited.

His two observers nodded to each other and climbed the nearest tree to them. Once high enough, Kenny jumped off first. Kyle closed his eyes, expecting Kenny to impale himself on a branch or something. That usually happened whenever Kenny did any stupid stunts, except on Chrisrtmas for some odd reason.

Not hearing a squelching noise, Kyle decided to risk opening his eyes. Kenny stood, perfectly alive, on the stoop of the clubhouse. Kyle jumped after him and almost lost his balance, Kenny caught him and stood him back up. Together, they slipped in through Stan's window.

Stan wasn't surprised, or happy to see them. Actually, he looked kind of sad.

Kyle told himself he was being paranoid. After all, Stan was the happy-go-lucky boy who would follow him in all of his endeavors. Shaking his head, Kyle spoke.

"Stan, aw dude, you don't know how happy I am to see you!" He exclaimed and hugged his best friend tightly. When Stan didn't return his hug, Kyle frowned and looked Stan straight in the eyes. They say when you look into someone's eyes you can see into their soul. What Kyle saw wasn't a soul, it was just a pool of inky blackness known as a pupil. Stan looked away and pushed Kyle back.

"Stan?" Kyle stepped forward and noticed Kenny looking confused.

"I'm sorry, Kyle." Stan finally spoke. Kyle barely had time to register the apology when a spotlight shone into the clubhouse.

"Kyle Broflowski! We know you're in there! We have the clubhouse surrounded! Give yourself up, NOW!" Officer Barbrady's voice spoke through a megaphone. He sounded surprisingly serious and more intelligent than normal.

Partially blinded by the light, Kyle wandered aimlessly for a few second before his hands settled on the back of a teenager in a red poof-ball hat.

"This is your last warning! You have ten seconds before we open fire! Ten!"

"Stan… Why?" It was all Kyle could think to ask at the moment. His mind was going a mile a minute.

"Nine!"

"I didn't have a choice, Kyle. I'm sorry."

"Eight!" Kyle could hear guns being readied from far below.

"Well, guess what Stan?" Kyle was suddenly grinning.

"Seven!" Red laser pointers had began shining into the room.

"What, Kyle?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Six!"

"I'm sorry too."

"Five!"

"For what?" This time it was a question.

"Four!"

"This!" With that, Kyle grabbed Stan and held him in front of himself like a human shield.

"Three!"

Moving out of the treehouse, with a kicking Stan and in front of him and a very scared Kenny behind him, Kyle held Stan up like a trophy.

"Don't shoot! That's my baby!" Sharon Marsh was screaming at the police force.

"Two!" Officer Barbrady continued on regardless.

Stan stopped struggling, now paralysed with fear.

"One!"

_This is it._ Was Kyles' last thought before a hail of bullets pierced through the once calm night.

A rookie policeman was the first to fire a shot, this sparked off a series of other pistols being disengaged at the wooden structure. Splinters invaded Kyles' eyes from missed shots and the skin on his arm opened from one that was on target. The firing stopped and then one final bullet was let loose from Barbady's revolver.

The bullet sailed through the air in slow motion and pierced the skin between the eyes.

His eyes rolled back into his head and he stumbled over the edge.

Fell twenty feet.

And met the ground with a sickening 'thud'.

And all was silent.


	9. Oh my god! They killed ?

You guys are going to hate me for this. I just know it, but could you write your hate 

**in a review? I need more. Thanks in advance!**

----

The odd thing about silence is that it gives way to tension. Tension gives way to panic. And panic makes one do something so outrageously stupid and idiotic that even the town whore – not Bebe – Mr. Slave would dare do it.

Kyle was one of the sufferers of these moments.

For a few seconds after the bullet was fired, time seemed to slow down. It was like he could see everything in slow motion and yet could do nothing to stop it because he was slowed down as well.

Kyle could hear his friends' gasp as his functions ceased and his now lifeless body fell to the cold, hard ground below. He looked around the clubhouse and his eyes settled on his best friend, still alive and well.

But this best friend was not Stan. Not anymore. That position had been transferred to Kenny the second that light shone on Kyle's face. No, the body on the floor was none other than his ex-best friend Stan Marsh.

But back to panic.

Kyle knew in his mind that the smart thing to do would be give himself up, face his punishment and try to bring his best friend back to life. It couldn't be too hard, I mean Kenny did it all the time, right?

Or he could slip away, unnoticed, into the shadows and secretly discover the cure for his friends' ailment.

But Kyle didn't listen.

"Oh my god! You killed Stan! You BASTARDS!"

He did that instead. The police, whose attention had been on the victim, shot their heads towards Kyle before the word 'god' was uttered. Remembering their mission, the pigs stormed the clubhouse and began climbing the oak into which it had been set.

"Oh man, cut me some slack here!" Was what Kyle said before jumping off the clubhouse balcony and onto the deepest patch of snow he could see. Kenny went to follow suit, but a policeman snatched his leg a second after he leaped and so Kenny crashed, head-first, into a concrete slab of pavement.

"And now you killed Kenny! You Ba Wha!" Kyle had to jump over a policeman who had dived for him and decided to listen to his brain for the first time that day. Rushing towards Officer Barbrady, Kyle pointed over the cops' shoulder and screamed.

"Look! I'm over there!"

Barbrady turned his head, muttering an 'ah-hah! Gotcha!' and the real Kyle sped past and around the side of the building.

Outside now, Kyle could hear sirens blaring in the distance, closer than before, and ran in the opposite direction. And was that the sound of… helicopter blades! Oh, crud.

Sprinting down main street, now empty but for a few unsuspecting pedestrians, Kyle looked around for a hiding spot. Spying a porch, he rushed towards it and hid beside a greek pillar. A spotlight shone on where he was mere seconds ago on the street and a large group of noisy police cars zipped past.

He waited for a few moments before letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and slumped to the floor, gasping for air.

A stinging sensation in his arm reminded him that he needed minor medical attention and he slipped through the door that was oh so conveniently left unlocked.

Resting his back against the front door, Kyle broke down and cried.

How could he not? His parents cast him out of the house, his best friend betrayed him, the police were after him, and now two of the only three people in the world he trusted were dead. Yes, he knew Kenny would be back tomorrow but he-

Wait a minute… Kenny! He'd be back tomorrow! Surely Kenny understands life and death better than anyone!

A plan was already beginning to form in Kyle's mind, but the arm wound throbbed again, forcing the boy to hold it with his good arm.

I guess I'll wait until tomorrow. But for now… 

He surveyed his immediate surroundings and began his search for a medical kit anywhere in the suspiciously huge house he had inhabited. He discovered not a living soul inside the grand mansion, and boards up on the windows so he deduced that it must be abandoned.

Yet, he couldn't help but feel he had been here before. Traveling upstairs, he tripped over an object on the floor and fell flat on his face. Groaning, he rose and picked up the thing he had stumbled upon.

A mask? But who wore masks in this day and age? Especially such a flamboyant mask like the one he held in his hand. Purple mask with feathers sticking out of the top and going to either side. Kyle turned it over and dropped it out of shock. A small, pale object fell from the inside of the headwear.

Kyle didn't pick it up, instead he observed it from a distance.

That looks like somebody's NOSE! Aw, gross! 

Kyle could feel the bile rise in his throat but forced it back down. Throwing up would remind him of Stan too much. But that nose made him remember something.

FLASHBACK:

"_What's you're name?"_

"_My name's blanket."_

"_Someone moved into the old Henderson place."_

"_Look who I found, lost in my back yard!"_

"_Mr. Jefferson, you're son is hurt!"_

"_Mr. Jefferson?_

END FLASHBACK 

"Mr. Jefferson… I remember now! This is the old Henderson building… I wonder why I'm talking to myself." Shrugging, Kyle decided to explore a bit more and find anything that could help him.

Stumbling into the back yard, he spied the ferris wheel that Mr. Jefferson had installed a few years ago and climbed onto it.

"Hope this works." Kyle muttered to himself as he plugged the behemoth in and pulled the lever. Hopping into one of the carriages before they moved away, Kyle sat himself comfortably on one of the wooden seats and noticed that his arm had finished healing.

The purpose of the excursion to the ride was to see if he could spot any police cars driving close to his location. Seeing the flashing red and blue lights of America's finest of over the horizon, Kyle decided he was safe.

For now.

-

**I'm so sorry, but Stan's death is essential to the plot. You'll understand later. Stay tuned for another update and…**

**OBEY THE FIST!**

**P.S. Well, YELLOWCARDFMAFANS, You were half-right, Kenny DID die after all.**


	10. Something Evil This Way Plots

Kyle supposed most people would mourn the loss of their best friend…

Most people would cry and deny and generally avoid the topic altogether.

Most people would hold it inside until it exploded in depression and suicide.

But then, most people didn't have a way to bring their best friend back to life.

Sitting in the living room of the old Henderson place, Kenny and Kyle were concocting a devious scheme to resurrect their lost pal. After picking Kenny up from the bus stop that morning, Kyle had learned all he could about Kenny's… gift.

Apparently, Satan informed Kenny was doomed to be regurgitated back into the world until old age claimed him and sent him, permanently, to his final resting place. The very object that incurred this curse, however, had been a gift from his late grandmother, who had gotten it from Stan's great-great-grandfather Billy.

Being trapped in limbo, the old man had cursed his wife's favorite object. But, being the evil, wicked creature she is, she donated a group of said items in her will to the youngest living McCormick, and Kenny inherited it on his 4th birthday.

The fabled 'Garb of Billy' was nothing more than an orange parka that adorned Kenny's body, stretching to fit all sizes and machine-washable, this parka forced the wearer into death and re-life. Technically, Kenny would be classed as a zombie.

So Kyle's plan was to dress Stan in the relic, and wait until 7 a.m. the next morning at the bus stop. That's where Kenny always faded back into life. Wonder why they never noticed it before…

They planned to wait until after the funeral, when onlookers would be at a minimum, then dig up the body and have it don the parka.

Plans made, Kenny went home to his frozen waffles and Kyle journeyed upstairs, past Kenny's skeleton lodged in the roof of the main bedroom, and to the window overlooking the Marsh residence across the street.

He could see Mrs. Marsh weeping at the living room window. Mr. Marsh was at her side, comforting her. But it looked like Shelly was dancing in her room to Britney Spears. Quickly averting his eyes from the grotesque sight, he peered down the road to find Rebecca trudging down the street slowly.

-

Eyes downcast, Rebecca dragged her feet along the pavement and had no idea where she was going. It appeared that she let her feet guide her and hoped that they would lead her to her precious Kyle.

Crazy? Yes.

Stupid? Perhaps.

Profitable? Wait and see.

Whenever someone is lost in thought, they tend to ignore their senses. In this case, Rebecca was so deep in her musings that she tripped over an object in the street. Having just enough time while falling to realize that she was indeed heading towards the ground, she hit her head on said floor and groaned.

Looking back, she picked up what she had tripped over and examined it. A book.

Labeled 'The diary of Kyle Broflowski', she wasted no time in opening it and looking inside. Only two entries, but Kyle would have had to pass by here to drop it. She was close.

Looking around, she heard a faint tapping, like the sound of knuckles on glass. Finally looking up to the first floor of the mansion right next to her, guess who she saw tap-tap-tapping.

And then she was tackled by an excited Chihuahua with a licking problem.

-

Running downstairs and finally believing that his luck was changing, Kyle hoped to reach Rebecca before his dog decided he liked the taste of human flesh and took a bite out of her.

Wrenching the front door open, spotting his girlfriend just now getting up, he was the second living thing to tackle her and the third thing to knock her to the ground in thirty seconds. Except he was kissing her as though she was going to be taken from him very soon.

Finding her lips currently occupied, Rebecca had to speak around the kisses that Kyle was leaving on her. In a manner such as this.

"Kyle!" kiss "I thought," kiss "You," kiss "Were," kiss "Dead!"

And the kisses just stopped. Rebecca took the opportunity to catch her breath, but Kyle spoke immediately.

"Who told you that?" He exclaimed.

"That fat tub of lard you hang around with, he said they shot you down in Stan's clubhouse." Her face had adopted a concerned and worried look, and her lips had swollen slightly from the workout they had just got.

Looking around again, Kyle motioned for the love of his short life to follow him back inside his home base, she picked up Cujo and followed him inside. Taking a seat in the living room, Kyle began to explain the situation.

-

Meanwhile, at a Shaky's Pizza across town, three figures were seated, eating a super large Shaky pizza and discussing evil.

"Did you do it, Cartman?" A high-pitched female voice asked.

"You bet your ass I did, ho. His girlfriend should be out of the picture, now where's my money!" Cartman shouted.

Sighing, Bebe grabbed her purse and handed him fifty dollars.

"There, now I have another job for you." She whispered so no-one would overhear them.

"Tch, as long as I get money, I'll do whatever you want." Cartman responded, practically drooling at the prospect of more money. Or maybe it was Bebe's almost exposed cleavage. Either way, he was drooling.

"I won't be the one to pay you this time, lardo," she responded, "You are going to deliver a message to our beloved jew. Tell him that his girlfriend is dead. While he is mortified at the thought, you should be able to restrain him and bring him to me. I'll have my wicked way with him and send him to the authorities. But you get the $3000."

Cartman smirked.

"And why shouldn't I just give him to the cops first, huh?" Cartman was silently asking for more money.

"Because if you do, I'm going to rip your nuts off with my bare hands, shove them down your throat, and have Wendy launch your dickless body into the Sun."

A moment passed.

And another one.

"…Okay."

And he scarfed down three more slices of super large pizza and waddled out of the restaurant.

"Are you sure we can trust Cartman? He's so fat, I'm sure Kyle can outrun him easily." The third shadowy figure told Bebe.

"Relax. Kyle should be totally demoralized, he'll be easy prey." Bebe responded with a smirk.

"Wow, demoralized, that's a large word for you." The larger female replied.

"Shut up, bitch!"

"What, what WHAT! What was that you little floosie!" Bet you can't guess who it is.

Bebe stood from her chair.

"You heard me, this is our best chance to get Kyle back. It'll teach him a lesson and stop him disobeying you again."

"And what do you get in return?" The third figure asked curiously.

"I'll be the one teaching that lesson." Bebe said with a smile of calculating evil.

That said, she flounced out of the restaurant and left a stunned Sheila Broflowski in her wake.

Wow! One thousand hits! You people are amazing, though I still have to urge some lurkers to review! C'mon, I know you're out there! My hit counter doesn't lie, anyways. Stay tuned for the update and…

…**OBEY THE FIST!**


	11. Contemplation

Five hours, three explanations and fifteen heavy make-out sessions later, Kyle had successfully (and with a bonus) explained the situation to Rebecca. They had taken to lying on the old sofa, sans plastic, with Rebecca's head resting on Kyle's lap.

"You know, I'm starting to not want to go back if I can stay like this." Kyle broke the content silence. "I mean, in my old life, I was never _this_ close to you."

"I know what you mean. Unfortunately, I DO have another life, which I have to get back to in…" She checked her watch. "…seven minutes. Don't want my mom to worry about me."

Kyle sat up and hugged her tightly.

"Ok… But come visit me sometime, alright?" Kyle put on the 'please help me puppy dog' look and his girlfriend melted.

"I've got a plan all worked out. I'll tell my parents I'm going to tennis after school, that should give us about two hours together." She smirked evilly, "But, until then…"

She trailed off and Kyle put on a fake surprised look.

"Why, whatever do you mean, fair maiden?" He tried, and failed, to put on an English accent. Or an impression of Pip.

She replied by tackling him off the sofa and they rolled about on the floor, kissing, cuddling and almost rolling over Cujo numerous times.

When the time for Rebecca to go finally came, both of them were left with empty lungs, dazed looks and Kyle had lots of lipstick marks on obscure locations on his face.

They shared one last chaste kiss before Rebecca ran for home. Kyle watched her form fade over the distance before walking back inside, closing the door and collapsing against the wall in the hallway.

-

Kenny, meanwhile, was playing the part of covert-ops. He had successfully infiltrated the Marsh home and was gathering intel from the main suspects…

By that I mean he was talking to Stan's parents with a depressed look on his face. Sharon was still crying and Randy was still comforting her. Kenny couldn't get a word in edgewise.

"I was just wonder-" Sharon cried harder.

"I was-" Randy turned away and hugged Sharon again.

"I-" Sharon ran from the room, crying. Randy turned to Kenny agrily.

"You see what you did? You upset her that much! How dare you! Get out of my house!" He barked.

"But I-" Kenny found a door slammed in his face. Alright, fine. Maybe Cartman knows something, not even he is that bad of a friend.

Kenny started walking slowly down to Cartman's side. As he did, he questioned why he was helping Kyle. He could always buy more porn WITH the four thousand dollars than Kyle could ever hope for.

It would earn Cartman's praise for handing Kyle over to the authorities, but he didn't care about that. Maybe Bebe would give him something for handing him over to her. But… Kyle had always been a good friend. If Kenny was on the opposite side then he'd join up with fat-ass and Mrs. Broflowski…

He shuddered. _Sticking with Kyle it is._

Arriving at the correct house, he stopped thinking traitorous thoughts and knocked on the coloured door. Liane Cartman, dressed in a see-through black nightgown, answered the door and wiped some unshed tears from her eyes with a hankerchief.

_Probably thought Kyle was hot enough to screw._ Kenny thought.

"Um, hi Ms. Cartman, is Eric home?" Kenny hated calling lardo by his first name, it made them sound like the two of them were best friends.

"Oh yes, my little poopsie-kins is downstairs playing one of his little games, I don't know what I'd do without him." She started crying as well now.

"Please, come in." She said through sobs.

Kenny did so and abandoned the weeping hermaphrodite in favour of trudging down the basement stairs. He looked down and found Cartman playing with Clyde Frog, dancing to a Kylie Minogue CD he probably stole from Shelly.

Snickering, Kenny hid behind the banister and watched the feat. He started wondering if he could charge people for this stuff.

Mid-way through a spin, Cartman noticed Kenny squatting there, barely containing his laughter. The large set boy stomped over towards the stairs, murder in his eyes. Kenny caught the look.

"Uh-uh-uh Cartman, you kill me and I'll just come back and tell everyone about your… games." He started laughing hard.

Cartman stopped dead in his tracks. Glaring bloody murder at the boy, he barked orders at him, just like when they built his clubhouse in the back yard.

"What are doing here, poor-boy!" He shouted after mumbling incoherent curses under his breath.

"Now, now fat-ass-"

"Ay!"

"-Is that any way to treat the only friend you have left?" He continued, "Without Stan here, it's just us and Kyle. And even he's in some weird location, so we're stuck together."

"Goddamn poor-ass son of a… Alright, what is it? It better be good." Cartman crossed his arms, an amazing feat considering his arms were the size of German sausages, really big.

"I came by to see if you knew when Stan's funeral is. His parents are too distraught over the whole thing to tell me." He frowned at the memory.

"Of course I do, retard." Cartman started, "I'm arranging it!"

Kenny's eyes lit up. "Really?"

"I'm hardly going to leave funeral arrangements up to the damn jew family. Mel Gibson wouldn't like that. It's on the 16th, don't forget, alright? Cos if you're not there, I'll hunt you down and kill you in the slowest, most painful way possible."

The thought of being skewered by toothpicks made Kenny gulp.

"Alright, geez. Thanks, man." Kenny turned to leave.

_Now to get back to Kyle._

"Oh, and Kenny?"

"Yeah?" Kenny turned back around.

"If Kyle shows up, I'll kill him as well. Understand?"

"Er… Yeah?"

"Good, now go away. I wanna… play some more."

Kenny ran before he started to laugh again.


	12. Burial

After days of hiding out in the Henderson/Jefferson place, Kyle finally emerged on the 16th to go to Stan's funeral. Donning his all black outfit, he slipped out the back window to avoid the main road and traversed the forest at the end of the yard.

The plan was to meet Kenny outside the edge of the forest and then wait until everyone had left before digging up the body and placing Kenny's trademark parka on it… er… him.

Kenny would, of course, be attending the funeral. Cartman's threat had done little to calm his nerves. Kyle would have to wait in a secluded hiding spot until the ceremony was over.

Finally arriving at the graveyard, Kyle hid behind a bush and looked through a hole in the shrubbery to where the funeral-goers were.

_There's Mrs. Marsh, _he thought _Hmm, no more crying, maybe she's finally getting over it. Actually, she looks kinda… happy?_

Indeed, Sharon Marsh had a barely suppressed grin on her face, probably at the thought of things being over with after the funeral. But… that made no sense. She should be crying more than ever, shouldn't she?

Scanning the crowd again, Kyle spied Wendy in a black dress, crying slightly. As though sensing the eyes on her, she looked right where Kyle was crouching and he could have sworn they made eye contact for a second.

But she looked away that same second.

Almost sighing in relief, Kyle decided to move. No use being spotted before he could enact the plan.

…

_Aw, nuts!_

Kyle thought as he hurriedly turned around. The plan! He had left Kenny's jacket at the house! Running full pelt towards home base, he left a very confused Wendy investigating where he was but a second ago.

She would later write it off as seeing things.

-

Kenny checked the clock on the wall of the church. Being a Christian, Stan's body was to be buried in the church grounds along with his Grandpa. Stan would have wanted that. Finding out that Kyle was late, and receiving a menacing glare from Cartman, he hurried into the church and took a seat in the pew next to a crying old lady who he was sure Stan had never met.

-

Rushing back through the forest, parka in hand, Kyle hoped to Moses he hadn't missed the funeral completely. Scraping the arm that had been shot the week previous, Kyle hissed in pain but carried on regardless.

Emerging once again outside the graveyard, Kyle darted behind a gravestone of the deceased Rob Reiner.

'He died of goo shortage' the grave said. Naturally, the headstone was mega wide to support all of the fat that had to be buried beneath it. Peeking his head out the side, he could see all of the people that Stan had known, and several he had not, sitting in chairs around an open grave while the preacher said the last rites.

Dodging behind a statue of an angel, Kyle rested his back against it and tried to catch his breath. Sliding to the floor, he waited until he could hear the words 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' before looking out once again.

Fifteen minutes later found all of the funeral attendants, save Kenny and Mrs. Marsh, gone home, most of them weeping. Kyle waved to Kenny from his position when Sharon wasn't looking and Kenny walked slowly over and took a seat beside him.

"Where were you!" Kenny exclaimed.

"Hello to you too, dude. I had to go back to the house and pick up the parka I left behind. Once Stan's mom leaves, we'll enact the plan." Kyle replied.

"Right." Kenny nodded and they looked out either side of the statue to Mrs. Marsh's form crouching next to the grave, arms moving in an odd fashion. Backs to them, she continued whatever it was she was doing.

"The hell is she doing?" Kyle wondered before spying a lump of dirt being flung out behind the mother.

Kenny's eyes widened.

"Dude! She's digging up the body!" Kenny spoke in a hushed tone so as not to be overheard.

It wasn't long before Stan's prone form was in her arms and being carried away towards the outskirts of town. Kyle motioned for Kenny to follow him and then took off after her.

-

At the top of a hill on the edge of South Park, Colorado there lies an ancient Burial Ground, where the old pet store used to be. Legend has it that if a deceased body is place inside the circle, that person would come back to life.

In actual fact, what would happen is that a soul would be brought from the nearest portal and forced into that body. But the body would need reanimation before being able to walk among the living.

Not knowing this, and being the desperate mother she was, Sharon Marsh took a random old farmer's advice and proceeded to bury her son inside the circle of bones. After leaving the sacred place, Kyle and Kenny appeared from their hiding place of a nearby barn and watched her leave.

They sprung into action immediately. Digging up the loose dirt and ignoring the rotted carcass of a pig they found in there, they forced the orange hoodie on top of the body of their best friend and re-buried him in the ground.

Feeling they had done a job well, they wiped their hands on their pant legs, shook hands in congratulations and walked off to their respective homes. Not knowing the evil they may have brought into the planet.

-

**Forgive the late update, and my lack of knowledge about burial rituals, I've never been to a funeral and have no time to research it, so pretend it's all correct alright? Thanks.**

**OBEY THE FIST!**


	13. Filler

The next morning, Kyle woke up early. Like every morning since he ran away, he hoped that what had happened since was all a dream. No such luck, and he was losing hope that it would ever be a dream.

Seeing his best friend die in a hail of gunfire that was intended for him was very painful. Knowing that the guy who he had been to space twice with, the guy that had only pointed a gun at him once was gone almost made him go suicidal.

Not today, he realized. Today, he was going to return good as new to the living world and this whole matter would be resolved. Today, though, Kyle would get a pleasant surprise.

Stretching his arms over his head and yawning, Kyle checked his bag and fished out a toothbrush and paste. He hadn't cleaned his teeth since he ran from the cow he had been forced to call 'Ma' for fourteen years. And he couldn't keep kissing Rebecca if his breath didn't smell minty fresh.

Yawning again, he began his trek to the bathroom upstairs. And his face met the floor very unceremoniously.

Still half-asleep, it took a long moment before his legs stopped trying to walk to the bathroom and he realized he was on the ground.

"Ow."

Wait a minute, did he say that? Looking down, Kyle caught sight of the thing he tripped over. Looking at a body,

_A very sexy body._ He added in his head.

Kyle scrambled up to his feet as fast as he could and gazed down at the angel in front of him. Rebecca Cutswald was dressed scantily in a revealing nightgown and covered with a thin rag of a blanket. She was rubbing her slender leg where Kyle had tripped over and seemed to be still sleeping.

Kyle blinked.

Kyle smiled.

Kyle jumped on top of her and started kissing every area of her face.

That woke her up, her eyes snapped open and she kissed him full on the lips. Falling to the ground for the second time that day, the innocence of their kissing was lost after a few seconds. And for a few minutes, they knew only each other.

Until Kyle snapped out of it and realized he WAS kissing her without minty fresh breath.

Reluctantly pulling away from his girlfriend, he had about a second to gather his thoughts before she had tackled him, hugging his chest like a teddy bear and squeezing the life out of him. Kyle felt splotches of water on his jacket and knew she was crying.

While having no idea what was going on, Kyle rubbed her back and quietly soothed her until the tears dried and she could speak coherently again.

"Oh, Kyle. It was awful! My parents want me to stop seeing you!" This caused some more tears to fall.

"Mine too Rebecca. But screw them!" Rebecca looked up at him in disbelief.

Was this the same Kyle she had met all those years ago? The Kyle that was afraid to stand up to his mother to prevent two innocent people from being executed?

The same Kyle she fell in love with?

…Yes, she realized. It was, he had just… matured in the last two weeks.

She smiled and kissed him again, then gagged at the taste.

"Blech! Honey-dumpling, you need to clean your teeth! Or get some mouthwash! Yuck!"

Kyle laughed. "Be back in a moment sugar-cookie."

Grinning like an idiot, Kyle strutted up the stairs and into the bathroom. Rebecca sighed happily at the sight of Kyle's behind and lay down on the sofa, still warm from Kyle's body sleeping on it all night. She would have curled up next to him last night if she hadn't been so exhausted from her journey here in the middle of the night.

She picked a Twinkie from out of her bag and popped one in her mouth. Chewing thoughtfully, she hoped she hadn't added to Kyle's burden by her presence. He was already going through so much, but then, he did seem happy to see her. She blushed at the memory.

This was going to be fun.

-

Bebe Stevens waited in her house for the daily report from Cartman. He should have been there by now and she was growing impatient. She didn't do waiting and anyone who disobeyed her tended to be yelled at, followed by bodily harm, followed by a stiletto kick to their ass out the door.

Cartman knows this and yet, if he hadn't shown up yet, it must not be good news he was bringing. She frowned and decided she would just kick him in the assumedly small genetalia he had and leave him to crumple in pain.

The sound of the doorbell surprised her but she hurriedly answered it and practically threw whoever was outside into her house.

It was Wendy.

And she looked angry.

"Hehe… Oops?" Bebe said nervously.

Wendy, not enjoying just being thrown inside a building by her best friend, took a deep, calming breath.

"Bebe, I came to try and talk you out of your insane plan. It's wrong, immoral and totally against everything I believe in to allow my friend to do this to another human being for their own selfish desires."

"I know what I'm doing, Wendy." Bebe cut in, "But I'm not gonna stop, Kyle's just too delicious to pass up. Once I'm done I'll leave him alone. Promise!"

This only served to piss the hippie off further.

"I'm not asking you Bebe! I'm telling you! You're my best friend and I care about you, but if you carry on with this I'm going to have to tell Kyle what you're trying to do."

Bebe's mouth was open in shock.

"You bitch! How could you betray me like that!"

"It's pretty easy when your friend is a manipulative, evil, self-centered individual. Maybe that's why you work so well with Cartman's fat ass."

Bebe now had steam pouring out of her ears… Metaphorically speaking of course.

"Listen, I-"

She never got to finish as the doorbell rang again. Bebe flung herself towards it, yanked it open and grabbed Cartman from the other side.

"Get in here you mound of lard!"

"Ay! I'm just big-boned, ho!" Cartman was angry from the start.

"Tell me what happened, and it better be good!" Cartman shifted a little.

"I haven't found the Jew yet, he's slippery like the rest of his kind."

"So you mean to tell me," Bebe began in an eerily calm voice, "that my beloved is out there alone, thinking his girlfriend is still ALIVE!"

"That's what I said, super-bitch."

Bebe roared in rage and punched Cartman in the face. Cartman's enormous cheeks absorbed the blow with no physical damage whatsoever. This, however, didn't stop Cartman from whining about it.

"What the hell was that for, skank!"

"Get out. Both of you, leave me alone."

The two were more than eager to get away. Once the door was slammed shut behind her, Bebe punched a wall thereby breaking a nail, and kicked a lamp from its original position on a nightstand.

"I'll find you, Kyle. I will search all of town's dark corners to hunt you down. And I WILL FIND YOU!"

Along the road, the two figures walking away from her house broke into a run at the echo of her voice and a thoroughly disheveled Kyle and Rebecca looked up from their most recent make-out.

After the recent SP episode I now believe that Stan betraying Kyle COULD happen, so my fic is no longer OOC. And there is STILL no Stan, he'll come back… eventually.

…

**OBEY THE FIST!**


	14. Military Action

Sleeping in ha always been one of Kyle's favourite things to do. Sleeping in with his girlfriend lying next to him just made it better. Not like that you perverts, they DID sleep that night.

Kyle slowly opened his eyes to find that the sun was already up and the birds had stopped singing. Looking over at his watch, the Terrence hand was on 8 and the Phillip hand was on 2. Ten past eight in the morning? And no birds singing? Kyle started to get a bad feeling.

Pulling the blinds back after yawning, stretching and reluctantly leaving his bed, our Jewish hero could only stare in horror.

The town was on fire.

Buildings on the horizon were nothing but rubble, and the light that he had earlier assumed was the sun turned out to be the scorching flames licking the house next to the Marsh residence. Army troops were marching down the street and flashes of light from what Kyle assumed to be gunfire echoed in the distance.

Hurriedly throwing on some clothes, Kyle shook Rebecca awake.

"Bex? Bex! C'mon, wake up! This is an emergency!"

Rebecca groaned and rolled over away from the annoying shaking person and went back to sleep. Kyle sighed, he didn't want to have to do this but…

"Rebecca! There's a spider on your stomach!" His girlfriend's eyes snapped open and she screamed and fell off the edge of the bed. Kyle couldn't help but snigger despite the situation.

"Very funny," Rebecca yawned "Alright, I'm up. What's so important?" Suddenly remembering why he woke her up in the first place, Kyle led her over to the window, her nightgown flowing down her slender legs.

Her mouth dropped open like a fish and Kyle noticed that the gunshots were only down the street from where the Jefferson place is.

"C'mon, get dressed we gotta go!" Rebecca grabbed a shirt and some jeans from her open bag and threw them on over her nightgown. They raced down the stairs and opened the front door.

Army forces were walking right in front of it and one happened to glance at them.

"Hey! There he is! Fire!"

"Oh boy!" Kyle pushed Rebecca back inside the house and closed the front door, they heard the bullets splintering the wood and rushed through the house to escape out the back door.

An explosion behind them made them pause. A grenade had just blown the door off its hinges and the army was storming into the house.

Kyle grabbed his girlfriend's arm and pulled her out the back door and into the wide back yard that the Jeffersons had. Dodging all of the fairground rides, they hopped the wooden fence just as the army got out the back door.

"Stop!" One commander er… commanded.

The other soldiers saluted and lowered their weapons.

"What did this fugitive look like?" A soldier close by responded with vigour.

"A young boy, around 14 like you said, sir!" This made the commander angry.

"Did you ever think, for a moment, that the boy you were chasing just now was a regular KID!" He roared and the squad cowered.

"Er… The thought never crossed my mind… Sir" He finished lamely.

The commander rubbed his temples in a very Stan-like fashion.

"Move out! We'll catch the REAL criminal now, ok?!"

The soldiers saluted again with a 'Yes Sir!'

-

Our two young heroes meanwhile were situated behind a tree, out of breath and with their clothes in tatters.

"So…" What else was there to say?

"…We're boned, we should just give ourselves up." Kyle replied.

Rebecca didn't want to admit it, but she thought he was right. The army was after them and there was some major disaster going on in town. People were dieing and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

"AHA!" The roar came from behind them and Kyle found himself wrapped in a bear-hug that almost crushed his ribs. Out of breath, Kyle's attacks bounced off the skin of the unidentified attacker.

Already on her feet, Rebecca lost control of herself for a second and her limbs acted without thinking.

She kicked Cartman in the nuts.

Immediately releasing the ginger teen, Cartman opted to double over in pain and then crumple onto the floor, occasionally making a 'mmph' noise. Kyle, meanwhile, had hit the ground fairly hard and was trying to get his breath back.

"You assholes," Cartman stuttered after a minute or two, "You fucking assholes. Gawd!"

"Fat-ass. What are you doing here?" Kyle asked.

"What the hell do you think you black asshole, I'm running from the demon! Aw, dammit that hurt!"

"Demon?" Rebecca asked, confused.

"Yes you fags! Demon!" Cartman's temper, combined with his current situation only made his pain worse.

"All I wanted to do today was eat Cheesy-Poofs, but no! I'm attacked by that demon cunt and get kicked squah in the balls by some wussy girl! Agh!"

Kyle grinned as Rebecca launched herself to the prone Cartman and proceeded to kick the crap out of him. A load roaring noise stopped all merriment he might have had at the moment.

"Uh… Cartman? How far away was the demon when you got here?" Kyle asked with slight fear.

"I don't know, Jew. It was chasing me when I ran in here and I wouldn't be surprised if it could smell my manly scent."

In the middle of thinking of a plan, a blade of energy sliced through the tree behind Kyle and out of the dust walked…

"…Stan?!"


	15. A Hero Reborn

Indeed, Stan Marsh stood before the trio, eyes flaring with emerald energy and fists glowing with bright fire. And he looked pissed.

"Stan? Dude, what the hell happened to you?" Kyle exclaimed, he didn't really want to go near his best friend while he was like this.

The poof-ball hat wearing teen took a step forwards, causing the two (and Cartman, who was already on his feet) to take a step back. Stan sniggered at their fear.

"You pitiful mortals," he replied in a strangely high pitched voice for someone with such power, "You honestly think I am still that weak little boy you are so attached to? No fools, I am DAMIEN!"

And with that he launched a ball of flaming energy at them. Thinking quickly, Rebecca dove on top of Kyle and knocked him to the floor, just as the ball scorched the tip of his hat.

The creature now known as Damien peered out of the corner of his eye and the blob of fat who was trying to inch away. He smirked and spun around to face him, causing Cartman to freeze up in fear.

"My host always hated you, I suppose I could do him this small favour…"

The energy in his hand turned a brilliant yellow.

"…and immolate you for him!" He fired at him and Cartman went to hide behind a tree, but the energy had taken on aspects of a homing missile, and obliterated the tree the instant it made contact.

Kyle and Rebecca, meanwhile had risen to their feet and were making a run for it. Branches scraping against their skin, Kyle couldn't help but throw a rock randomly behind him, hoping to at least distract the demon.

Sure, he hated Cartman's guts, but if he saved his life, the look on Cartman's face would be priceless! Apparently the rock made contact, if the pained 'Ow' they heard from behind was any indication.

Unfortunately, it seemed to have hit Cartman, as the Ow was accompanied by a 'You stupid Jew!' Shrugging, The couple ran in a single direction until they could see the sunlight streaming in from the edge of the forest.

Rebecca chanced a look behind and saw trees being blown out of the way of the demon as he gave chase. Hurriedly turning back around, they ran out into the street right in front of a tank that almost crashed into them.

Damien wasn't so lucky.

He crashed into the side of the tank and left a Stan-shaped imprint in the metal. Army troops were immediately surrounding him, guns ready.

"Fire!" A soldier shouted randomly.

A hail of machine gun bullets was let loose onto the undead corpse and smoke started appearing from the ones that missed, eventually he was surrounded in smoke and no one could make out even an outline of the enemy.

One heavy weapons militant stepped up to plate and launched a rocket into the side of the tank, ensuring the crew of the vehicle were safe. The resulting explosion shook the entire town and Kyle was sure a few buildings collapsed from the shockwave.

Rebecca was huddled close to him and they were both watching the scene in awe.

"Hold your fire!" Another soldier shouted, again randomly.

They waited for the smoke to clear and the prone form of Stan, riddled with bullet holes and skin practically scorched off began to emerge. The soldiers cheered and Kyle bowed his head in respect for the previous owner of that body.

But all celebration stopped when the unmoving body began to… move. It started as a twitch, reminiscent of Tweek but before they knew it, the demon was on its feet again, skin already reforming and bullets pouring out of its mouth. There was silence by this point, but it wasn't until he started floating that they started screaming.

Looking down on them with a sinister grin on his face, Damien let the dark energy he possessed surround him once again, and he was blasting people into oblivion at random, laughing all the while.

"Stan!" A feminine voice called out.

The demon paused for a moment and turned around, flying ability faltering as he recognised the human female who dared to address him as such.

"W-Wendy?" He asked, though his voice had adopted traits of Stan's deeper tone.

"What are you doing, Stan?!" Wendy was quite clearly angry with the teenager. Kyle wondered whether or not she knew he was an undead demon monster sent from the seventh layer of hell to destroy humanity. But he doubted it. At the moment, Wendy was scarier.

"Well, I-" Stan started, but Wendy interrupted.

"I'll tell you what you're doing, you're breaking my heart Stan! I can't believe you, even when you're dead you can't do what you want!"

'_What does she mean?'_ Kyle wondered.

"I _had_ to tell them where he was, Wendy! They wouldn't let me see you again if I didn't!" He was starting to get annoyed.

"That's what they said to Kyle! And he ran off with his girlfriend! They're together right now, even AFTER society tried to rip them apart."

Stan seemed a bit stunned by this.

"How the hell do you know?!" He shouted, his eyes taking on a faint green glow as he spoke.

"Because they're right there!" Wendy pointed behind him, right at where Rebecca and Kyle were taking cover. Stan turned around and saw the edge of a green earflap blowing in the wind from behind a dumpster.

"Oh crap." Kyle couldn't help but mutter.

"…Kyle?" The demon's voice had turned completely into Stan's during his conversation with Wendy.

Kyle sighed and walked out from his hiding place. His girlfriend followed soon after.

"Yeah… Stan?" He questioned, Stan frowned a bit at the hesitation but smiled nonetheless.

"Dude, sorry for… you know, betraying you and sending armed police men after you for my own selfishness." Stan laughed a little, nervously.

"That's ok, sorry for using you as a human shield, getting you killed then resurrecting you with an undead demon from hell." Kyle answered back.

"Er… About that…" Stan started then his whole body glowed pure red.

His head grew rounded horns on the top, his nails grew sharp into long claws and a tail appeared through his pants. Kyle thanked the heavens that his pants stayed on.

Damien now resembled the demon spawn he was.

And he looked angry.


	16. Oh, It's On

Meanwhile, across town, a distraught Sharon Marsh looked on at the destruction from her son's clubhouse. Her real house had already exploded and the charred remains of their furniture and personal possessions littered the back yard lawn. Randy Marsh had gone off to try and calm his son down, but whether he was dead right now…

A tear fell from her eye as an explosion echoed from the other side of town. What had she done to deserve this? She had always been a good mother, putting her son before everything except herself and her new romances. But that wasn't bad enough to warrant her son's death and resurrection as an evil demon.

I mean, it's not like she was that Butters kid's mother, right?

"YOU!" A voice shouted from the entrance to the clubhouse. Sharon stopped her crying and looked over to see a dirty farmer in a straw hat climbing in with an angry look on his face.

"Ah warned ye, didn't ah Marsh? Ah warned ye." The farmer spoke, removing his hat out of habit and twiddling it idly in his hands. "I told ye yar boy wouldn'a be tha same thing ye put in thar."

Sharon nodded slowly and looked down, shadows masking her features as tears fell freely down her face. The farmer sighed.

"Ah guess thar's only one thin' to do now." He reached into his coat and pulled out a small computer chip. Gazing at the V-chip for a second, he set off to find the legendary fat boy who defeated the demons when they rose from the pits of hell.

Leaving Sharon Marsh weeping in a corner of the clubhouse, he descended the ladder and headed straight towards the sounds of fire power and explosions. Such a foul-mouthed hero would surely be the main target for the demon's wrath.

'_Ah can only hope he be still alahve. Or wa're all doomed.'_

-

Eric Cartman awoke to see a dark, foreboding sky above him and no trace of a demon or anyone around him. Rubbing his head, he muttered something about filthy, no good, stinking Jews and sat up. He noticed a lump on his head and swore to himself that he'd make the Jew eat his own parents.

But then he remembered the plan - Bebe's plan. He frowned. Getting chased by a demon, hit in the head with a rock, and made to run two blocks… Was it really worth three thousand dollars?

But Cartman had plans for the large sum of money, namely he was going to buy his way into a slight position of power in the boy scouts, becoming troop leader so that he could work his way up the ranks, eventually gathering enough power and blackmail to overthrow the mayor and rule over the town. Once he did that, he would buy a satellite and blast the White House from space, then claim it was the Jews in order to launch an all out war on Judaism and Kyle.

…

Or maybe he would buy a ton of junk food. Either way, it was totally worth it.

He limped over to a tree on the outskirts of the forest to find a tank with a body shaped imprint in the side and three or four people to his left talking. He decided to go right, away from the easy prey that were so exposed to the demon's wrath.

He just wanted to go home and eat some powdered sugar pancake surprise and watch Terrence and Phillip. Was that so much to ask? He looked up and noticed a filthy hobo walking up to him.

"I don't have any spare change, and I'm pissed off right nah, so you better get outta my way you cock-smoking, ass-rangling, monkey-fucking son-of-a-bitch!" He growled. The hobo just smiled.

"Eric Cahrtman? Ah you Eric Cahrtman?"

Cartman paused. "What's it to you dickhead?"

"Ya must be Eric Cahrtman! Only he could have such a fahl mahth. Ya must take this!" He held out the V-chip to Cartman. "The fate of all mankind depends on ya!"

Cartman contemplated this for a second. "What's in it for me?" He smirked.

"Tha lahves of everyone ye hold dear." The farmer replied.

"Sorry, no sale." Cartman started walking off.

"Your OWN life, Eric Cahrtman." This made Cartman stop walking and hold his hand out to the V-chip.

"Alrigh, alright you bitchy hobo. Give it here." He grabbed the chip from the persons hand and stared at it for a second.

"What am I supposed to do with this?!"

"Just sware. Sware like ya've never swared befo'!"

"…Fuck."

The V-chip beeped and sent out a powerful electric blast towards the farmer who dodged just in time, his hat did not make it. Cartman grinned and started walking back towards the open prey, ready to fry some demon – and possibly Jew – ass.

-

The 'easy prey' Cartman was talking about was actually Kyle, Stan/Damien, Rebecca and Wendy. Wendy, at the moment, was staring wide-eyed at the thing that was once her boyfriend. Kyle was glaring at the demon, Rebecca was glaring with just as much intensity. But Damien was smiling. As fast as lightning, the demon spawn fired a blast of fire at Rebecca. Without even a chance to dodge, the blast hit her full on the chest and she was blasted back into a wall, where she hit her head on a wall of a collapsed building. Time went by in slow motion as Kyle spun around and watched her fall to her knees and then to the floor as all life left her.

"REBECCA!" Kyle screamed. He completely forgot the demon was there as he ran over to his girlfriend. He started crying before he reached her and knelt down next to her. He held her body in his arms as tears fell onto her forehead.

"Aw… Poor boy. Did I just hurt your wittle girlfriend?" The demon laughed. "Pathetic."

Kyle remembered the demon was there. He also remembered the demon killed his girlfriend. With this memory, his eyes went wide and the street started shaking. He whispered something inaudible and a street light exploded next to him.

"I'm sorry? What was that?" The demon shouted.

"You bastard." Kyle said, but the demon still couldn't hear him. Windows shattered nearby Kyle.

"Come again? I must have some wax in my ears 'cos I can't-"

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyle screamed and cars exploded as a telekinetic blast launched from Kyle towards the cunt who even _thought_ of hurting the girl he loved. Unknown to even Kyle, his eyes switched from the natural green colour to a blazing yellow. He stood and began to walk towards the murderer.

The battle is on.


End file.
